I am quiet, on the outside at least. The inside dialogue is lincoln tunnel traffic during rush hour nyc with lots of honking. I'm trying to calm down. Technique after technique. "I must be calm when I walk in that room". The inner voice must be settled and served, not needy. Catching my thoughts 'right, I feel pressure to figure this out', 'I don't know what they are going to say' 'I feel scared they don't / won't like me. I'm scared of the pain they are going to cause me.'. Currently, I am not calm. I'm basically shut down on the outside. I'm fighting not to distract myself and focus on the pain. 'Deal with this, don't run away.' I couldn't grab onto it. Ugh.
Knock on the door. "Uh oh". I open it. My face plain, expressionless, still. It's the systems guy, he hands me a new cell phone. 'All set up, here you go.' I look down. A red and black box. I momentarily was excited to get the new phone. This isn't the phone I asked for, I said. It's a flip phone and this is what we got, so here you go.
I didn't appreciate that. It sounded like he was trying to give me a phone I didn't want or order. He said take it. 'No.' Well it's already activated, your current phone doesn't work anymore. I understand. Here's both phones. I want the one I ordered.
I was not in a fun mood. I thought I was right, but I certainly wasn't nice. Somehow I'm the bad guy. He's all fun. Not the first time he's tried to do that.
I close the door. 'back to quiet'. I look at the clock. Two minutes. No more time to figure it out. It'll be what it'll be. 'Okay let's head over.'
I open the door, walk in and listen. A discussion is already happening. They clearly weren't waiting for me to come in. I'm guarded, contained, restrained. The battle wounds from the last 30 minutes and no clear sign of victory is weighing on me. I notice I am definitely not settled and not happy. I got scared.
I am quiet. Opening my mouth feels dangerous. I worry more. I can be attacked if I join the discussion. If I stay quiet I am safe. Their discussion winds down, like when you know the song is almost over. My turn. 'Well this is your turn now, go ahead and please give us an update, says the VP Sales. Oh boy. All I wanted to do was walk out. I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth. I noticed no words were coming. And then I spoke.
I was excited to tell this story right now. What happened in that meeting. That was my plan in writing this. But something is bothering me. I hated that meeting. And I don't remember exactly what I said. I remember how I felt. Empty. Hurt. Alone. No one in there on my side. Thoughts like I don't belong in business or certainly not in this company.
I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking, 'they don't need me anymore'. I am listening to youtube music for writing, it's a flute sort of a japanese like style of sound. It's making me teary eyed to think that I feel this way. My time is up. I'm scared to leave, but it keeps coming up that it's time for me to go.
'I've taken this as far as I can' Wait maybe there's something else in the company that I can do? 'No', there's too much baggage, they won't go for it. The issues here will not go away even if I change roles. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with these folks except when I'm meeting with clients. I am tired of walking on egg shells. I think I bring a ton to the table, but I'm not able to make a difference. And that's what is bothering me. I'm tired of the executive team meetings. They wear me down. I'm tired of the sales people, they wear me down. I love the equipment, I love the solution, I love the clients, I love the selling, I love the marketing. I love the fun of what I do. I love being the best at what I do.
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